I Loved You Before I Knew You

There is a saying that If you can't say something nice, just don't say anything. Following my heart and that reasoning, I have chosen not to write much recently. I think some of how I feel is starting to change, so I think it might be time to start posting again.

I started a book for my grandchildren some time ago. Thinking today of Emily, I decided to share one of the first stories I wrote for them.
**************

I Loved You Before I knew You



On a soft summer evening in Charleston, West Virginia, I sat on my sun porch listening to leaves rustle in the trees.

I watched the house across the street, where Miss Mary gently watered her rose bushes; her little yappy dog shadowing her every step.

On the diagonal corner, an elderly black gentleman entered the fenced yard of his lady friend. He always dressed to perfection to go sip tea with her. His shoes, suit and hat always either matched or complimented each other. As he carefully shut her gate, she poured his glass of tea. They spent their evenings sipping tea and rocking in an old porch swing. I don't know why at their advanced ages they were single and not married to each other, but their happiness at just being together was something beautiful to watch.

The phone rang and it was your daddy with the best news of my life.

 “How's the family?" He had moved to Texas around Thanksgiving, and married your mommy in February. I had flown to Amarillo, Texas for the wedding.

I all my life, I had wanted two things. I wanted to be a mother in law, and I wanted to be a grandma.
I had missed my daughter; your aunt, from the time she died at six years old. I had so much love stored up that I wanted to give my son's wife - someone who my heart wanted to treat as I would have treated my own daughter. Your mommy was so beautiful and I was completely open to loving her as I would have a daughter.

 Back to the phone call...

They were all fine, he was fine, I was fine, then..."So, would you like to be a grandma?"

I burst into tears. Nothing in the whole world could have made me any happier at that moment.

"When!?"

"Won't be until right after Christmas."

"Are you going to find out if it's a girl or a boy?"

"No, we want to be surprised."

I don't know how other people feel, but there was nothing that I wanted any more than to be your grandmother.It's hard to be a mom sometimes. You have worries and responsibilities and duties to your children. Being a grandma to me, meant just being able to relax and to love this precious little person. It meant the joy of sticky little hands and squealing and laughter, and endless hours of playing peak a boo. It meant reading the same story a thousand times, and having someone ask me to read it again. It meant rocking a sleepy little person to sleep. It meant that in my old age, there was a person who would be my reason to get up every day - my reason to smile. It meant everything to me.

I started thinking, 'will I be a Nana, or Nanny, or Gammy or what? Who do I most want to be?' Your daddy had a wonderful great grandmother. She was remembered when she died as a woman who knew how to love well, who knew how to help others, and a woman full of the Grace of God. Everyone who knew her called her 'Granny', and I wanted to be just like her in many ways, so I chose to be your Granny.

Separated by over 2000 miles, I fell in love with you that night.

I went to bed wondering (though not caring) if you were a little boy or a little girl. I wanted you to be healthy. That's all that mattered, but I would have loved you regardless.

Months before Christmas, I started buying you Christmas gifts. I bought blankets, sleepers, crib sheets, and all in neutral colors. I wanted to buy you a first toy, but I didn't know if you were a boy or a girl, so pink or blue gifts were out. Then one day, I went in a store and saw an old fashioned sock monkey. Years ago, I made one for a cousin, and I had to buy this one for you. It wasn't very pretty, but it was sent to you with all my love.

In January, shortly after you were born, your daddy sent me a video of you, my beautiful grand-baby; my angel girl, who wouldn't go to sleep without her sock monkey.

Before you were ever born, you were my heart and you always will be.